Criminals Wanted

I was standing in front of the lion’s cage at the zoo when it struck me. Monkey feces, right in the face. Okay replace monkey feces with “great idea”, and replace face with “brain.” Many of the animals in zoos have either been rescued or raised in captivity. They are prisoners behind bars without having committed any crimes. But what would happen if we suddenly decided to replace the laws of jungle with the laws of the civilized? If a monkey hurled feces at you, you could have him arrested, and the behind bars time could be justified.

The consciousnesses of different types of animals (and thus their moral obligations) are still debatable, it’s hard to know where to draw the line. When humans lived among animals more, we were less trying to keep them a functioning part of society as we were trying to eat them. Given how smart we’re finding some animals to be, the future of animal law has interesting potential. Animals often operate within behavioral codes within their social group, so some kind of overlap in tolerance is plausible. One thing’s for sure, prisons would become a much more interesting place if you paired up human criminals with animals guilty of committing similar crimes. People would think twice before robbing a bank, if they knew their potential cell mate could be an angry klepto elephant!

Here are some human crimes that animals have been caught committing:

Public Drunkenness

Not so much a crime as it is an excuse to come in late to work, this would get you an overnight, max. Still, the trick is to do it with a semblance of style.

Rape

The following would be a tough rape case to try in a court of law. It could be argued that the pooch was consenting.

2 Drakes, 1 Duck

Very often during mallard mating season, several drakes are left without partners and end up fighting over the remaining female duck, chasing and pecking at her until she’s too tired to fight them off. This is known to researchers as “rape flight.”

Theft

Animal theft doesn’t always involve a hungry belly. An article in People Magazine describes an actual cat burglar who steals stuffed animals from around the neighborhood, and brings them home for the family baby.

Physical Abuse

Animals aren’t afraid of genuine savagery. Out in the wild, I suppose there’s no distinction between fair and low blows. Still, try this in human side of things, see how far you get.

Gang Violence

It’s crew vs crew out in the wild. With pack-based confidence inspiring daily conflict, you can never be sure you won’t get caught in the crossfire. Territory, loyalty, power… that’s what the game’s all about.

Murder

While it was once widely believed that humans are the only species who kill their own kind on a regular basis, it has been discovered by naturalists that dozens of species actually kill their own, including lions, hippos, bears, wolves, hyenas, herring gulls, and over 15 types of primates other than man.

And the Wildest Criminal Award goes to…

According to Harvard Anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hardy, the hanuman langur, a sacred Indian monkey, lives a life filled with kidnapping, sexual harassment, violent fights, and infanticide. So any human guilty of committing any of these crimes should be forced to share bunks with one, or even better…a bunch of ‘em.

Well all know humans are animals, but don’t think we should be acting like it. When you hear about feral children, you wonder just how close we are at birth, and, of course, just how far we are as we age.