Criminals Wanted

You don’t have to be 007 to get pardoned for your sins - even those with deathly consequences. In fact, you can be #15, #52, #89, … just like movie stars and rock stars, sports stars have been known to endure the lightest of knuckle-rappings. Where there is money, there is leniency. How much? The numbers below show this decade’s most legal-agile athletes.

Dany Heatley, February 2005

Sport: Forward for the Ottawa Senators, NHL
Crime: Second-degree vehicular homicide, driving too fast for conditions, failure to maintain a lane, and speeding in connection with car crash that killed teammate and friend Dan Snyder.
Potential sentence: 20 years in prison, with fines totalling $5,000 US.
Sentence received: 3 years probation, limited driving privledges, 150 speeches about the dangers of speeding.

Ray Lewis, February 2000

Sport: Linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens, NFL
Crime: Lewis and two companions were charged with the stabbing murders of Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar. Lewis plea bargained and plead guilty for the reduced misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice in exchange for testifying against his two companions.
Potential sentence: Life in prison.
Sentence received: 1 year probation, fined $250,000 by the NFL, and over $1,000,000 in settlements with the victims’ families.

Michael Vick, July 2007

Sport: Quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, NFL
Crime: Operating a six-year long unlawful dog fighting venture on his property. Vic was accused of directly participating in the dog fights and the executions of dogs who lost, financing the operation and personally handling thousands of dollars in related gambling activities. Vick plea bargained and plead guilty for one charge of conspiracy to operate an interstate dog fighting ring.
Potential sentence: 5 years in prison.
Sentence received: 23 months in prison

Canadian comic Jay Malone sarcastically and hilariously berates Vick

Mark Chmura, April 2000

Sport: Tight end for the Green Bay Packers, NFL
Crime: Accused of child enticement and third degree sexual assault on the 17-year-old babysitter of his children.
Potential sentence: 40 years in prison and $200,000 in fines.
Sentence received: Found innocent of all charges.

Kobe Bryant, July 2003

Sport: Point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, NBA
Crime: Accused of sexually assaulting a 19-year-old hotel employee.
Potential sentence: 4 years to life in prison.
Sentence received: Case dismissed.

Game on! Crimes Committed During Gameplay

Marty McSorley, February 2000

Sport: Played defenseman for the Boston Bruins, NHL
Crime: Charged with assault with a weapon when he swung his stick and hit Vancouver Canucks’ Donald Brashear in the head, resulting in a grade three concussion.
Potential sentence: 10 years in prison.
Sentence received: 18 months probation with no criminal record.

Todd Bertuzzi, March 2004

Sport: Played right wing for the Vancouver Canucks, NHL
Crime: Charged with assault causing bodily harm after sucker-punching Steve Moore during a Vancouver–Colorado game. After driving the unconscious Moore’s head into the ice, the former Avalanche center suffered from three fractured vertebrae in his neck, a grade three concussion, vertebral ligament damage, stretching of the brachial plexus nerves, and facial cuts.
Potential sentence: 10 years in prison.
Sentence received: One year probation, 80 hours of community service, with no criminal record.

And in case you were wondering, Ron Artest was never charged for what happened in the famous brawl at the Detroit vs Indiana game in 2006.

In 1517, Martin Luther confronted Catholicism and the Pope (Leo X, whom he considered the Anti-Christ) by posting his famous 95 Theses on the doors of Wittenberg Castle Church, sparking the Protestant Reformation. Attempting to re-align Christianity back along strictly faith- and scripture-based lines, he was particularly critical of the sale of indulgences, which essentially amounted to bought salvation and forgiveness for past sins. This fund raising tactic of the Catholic Church was particularly applicable in cases of souls in Purgatory, where souls of dead otherwise remained before eventually ascending into Heaven, or descending into Hell. Already a bit fickle with planes of existence (in 2006, the Catholic Church got rid of the untidy and poorly-named Limbo, once the ethereal daycare for inconveniently unbaptized and dead babies), the idea of financial transactions on Earth affecting these planes has come and gone.

And come back again. There had been an agreement to greatly reduce the number of indulgences granted in this fashion in the Second Vatican Council from 1962-65, extending the damage to the concept for those who grudgingly stuck with Catholicism during the Reformation. In December 2007, though, Pope Benedict explicitly offered plenary indulgences on the 150^th anniversary of the Virgin Mary appearing to a peasant girl in Lourdes, France. A visit to the shrine between February 2^nd and 11^th of this year would have cleared you of your ill deeds. Check out the video below for further details.

Catholicism has a long history of playing involved intermediary roles between its adherents and the afterlife. That said, there has been a decline in Church-going and general religious practice in recent years, complemented by a sharp increase in non-religious thinking. In a time increasingly accommodating to atheist world views, the overt sale of Catholic indulgences has dangerous potential among fence-sitting Catholics who wish to maintain ties with the divine amidst growing concerns over Papal policy on contraception, gay rights, and other pertinent contemporary issues. As religious affiliation and the actual daily practice of religious life diverge, unfavorable Church activity outside of the standard traditions and personal relationships with God can have a “decatholicizing” effect on believers. Considering the difference in Papal social and economic power between centuries ago and today, the Catholic Church faces a tough challenge in reminding its believers that the institution is a necessary part of the package. Specifically with a decline in ritual, this task becomes all the more difficult.

Surely, the perceived consequences of indulgences were weighted in this most recent offering, and the cost-benefit analysis was judged in overall Catholic favor. The truth of that analysis will emerge soon enough. The spirit of an indulgence, and indeed any pardon, is forgiveness. While a government pardon isn’t exactly free either, there’s something strange about any kind of brokered deal for a pure and divine forgiveness concept. For many non-believers, it just looks like criminals pardoning sinners.

The world of Digg is shocked when they discovered that 2 of their powerful users are in fact criminals!

Indeed, we have proof that they stole each other identity.

Hum OK, maybe the Digg crowd would forgive this crime… because it is April Fools.