Criminals Wanted

When I was a kid there were good guys and there were bad guys, especially on TV. It was all pretty black and white even though the shows were already in color. The good guys fought crime and the bad guys always started it. Today things seem a little less clear cut so in the interest of nostalgia and simpler times here is my list for TV’s best old school crime fighters.

Read the rest of this entry »

---

If you can’t admit the war on drugs is a lost cause then you should stop reading this now. The Criminalization of drugs is paranoid nonsense and the very reason black markets exist to supply them. And the thing about black markets is that they give nasty people the chance to cause a lot of misery and make a lot of money in the process. And since the only way to stop black markets is to legalize the black market items that we can all get anyway, the solution is obvious. We need a better supply environment.

Below are some high grade drug rants that exploit the many complex issues facing illegal drugs. If you don’t agree with the politics at least you can enjoy a few laughs. For better or worse drugs are here to stay. Besides, it’s no one’s business what I do with my own body anyway. If I want to get high I want to get high and that’s all there is to it. Please don’t bogart my vibe!

But enough with the serious and on with the jokes…like Doug says: “Start the argument!”

Bill Hicks

Hicks died of cancer in 1994 which means that every single word he ever spoke is the truth. In this bit he does a pretty good job with the hypocrisies of drug policy and makes a good joke out of his own experience with drugs. RIP Bill.

Notable Lines:

I’ve seen a lot of things on drugs but I have never once looked at an egg and thought it was a brain. Maybe I wasn’t getting good shit.

Not only do I think marijuana should be legalized, it should be mandatory.

I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible.

Dennis Leary

Why is Denis Leary famous while Bill Hicks isn’t? Because there’s no cure for cancer.

Apparently Leary plagiarized Hicks on his comedy album of the same name. Crime is everywhere. In this rant Leary seems a little bit out of his mind but I guess that’s the point: Cocaine makes you crazy.

Notable Lines:

Cocaine? We started that. You’re welcome.

I like to sit in a bathroom and talk to a complete stranger for eight hours on end.

Hey man, let’s get an eight ball. It’ll last us all weekend.

Des Bishop

Des is a clever Brit’ who does another good job of tackling the harder drugs. In this one he points out a rarely noticed difference between cocaine and heroine. And he’s right. Cocaine does make you an asshole. Bloody brilliant.

Notable Lines:

Cocaine, so what? It’s only a couple of lines.

At least its not heroine? What the fuck does that mean? Who would you prefer to be robbed by?

Pablo Francisco

The thing about psychedelics is you either outgrow them really fast or there’s something seriously wrong with you. This is why I can’t for my life imagine why they’re illegal. What a waste of resources. Have you ever met anyone in their 30’s even capable of doing acid or going to a rave? Of course not, it’s impossible. Pablo on e does a good job showing us why you can’t take this stuff after you’re 25th birthday.

Notable Lines:

Are you e’in? No I’m Pablo.

Take one now and in ten hours take another one.

Bill Maher

Maher covers the hypcorisy of anti-drug advocates and the stupidity of drug policy in general. The bit about kids is over the top but considering how hyper safe-obessessed society is I think his point is bang on.

Notable Lines:

I think Penny Lane is worth ten dead kids.

You know what pal, we all got our “medication”.

This is just legislating taste.

Dave Chapelle

The thing about Chapelle is that it’s not so much what he says that’s funny as it is the way he says it. In other words, delivery is everything. Same thing goes for Chris Rock who comes next. I like the “drugs aren’t all that great” angle. It’s refreshing.

Notable Lines:

If I was 75 I’d do coke, heroine, everything.

Weed is a background substance, you ain’t crisp, but you’ll function.

Took a nap, woke up, fucked up.

Chris Rock

This is Chris Rock talking. We’ve all seen it. It’s hilarious. Enough said.

Notable Lines:

The government’s trying to get you hooked on some legal fucking shit.

The only reason coke and weed ain’t legal in American is because the best coke and weed ain’t made in America.

That should be the new slogan for Kripsy Kream: So good you’ll suck a dick.

Doug Stanhope

Doug is the quintessential no bullshit comedian. He isn’t angry about drugs or drug policy so much as he is about the bullshit behind the medical marijuana debate. And he’s right. It’s pure smokescreen!

Notable Lines:

Old fuck’s vote. That’s the problem with this country.

We don’t really want to get high this is just about Jimmy with Glaucoma. Bring out Milky Eyed Jim!

I wanna buy mushrooms at Walmart tomorrow. Let’s fight this one out.

xxxx

Face it. When you take alcohol and tobacco together it’s nearly impossible to find an illegal drug that piles up more human misery that those two. And most of us manage our lives around the legal pair just fine. We need to move toward a sensible drug policy that doesn’t involve clogging courts and prisons with people who are just being human. What’s next? Arresting kids on the playground for getting dizzy?

Keep in mind I’m not saying Crystal Meth should be sold in Walmart to toddlers. But I would happily argue that anything coming out of the ground should be available by legal means. It’s easier for my nephew to buy a bag of weed right now than it is for him to get a 6 pack of Molson Golden and a pack of Marlboro. And frankly I’d rather have him smoking weed. The case for a state managed distribution system over a black market is a strong one.

Obviously I just don’t like drug policy. I don’t like the hypocrisy and I don’t like the ignorance and I don’t like the fear mongering. I firmly believe that drug policy is a crime against common sense.

I do, however, enjoy the comedy a dumb policy inspires because I laughed my ass off when I watched these clips. And the God honest truth is that I wasn’t even high at the time.

---

Well when I saw this little piece of stupidity I had to repost it. Looks to me like nothing more than a bunch of power hungry simpletons. I love those guys.

I know we all grew up thinking that big brother is watching but now we all know now that Big Brother is all of us and we are all on the lookout for bullshit like this because we don’t like it. And we don’t like bullshit like that NYC cop who tackled a guy on a bicycle and then hid behind his badge.

Anyway probably this nonsense all went accoding to protocal so the idiot judge will not end up in trouble. But maybe he will. We can only hope.

 

---